Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Year's Resolutions '08: New Year's Resolutions '07 Part II: The Reckoning

I realized after checking in on my myspace profile blog (after the obligatory measure of deleting several friend requests from what appear to be strippers who happen to be infatuated with me; hey, why wouldn't they be?) that, as I was fumbling my way through 2007, I really only hit up about 25% of my New Year's resolutions. While this is, statistically, a vast improvement on previous years (up 25% from 2006!), I am admittedly disappointed in myself. It's not like I'm coming up with resolutions that are really all that difficult or life-altering. Of course, I'm also not coming up with resolutions that are pretty easy to adhere to, e.g. 2003's "Try not to make any more 'late' beer runs to Mount Adams UDF at 5:30 in the morning when they open and everyone else in there is getting coffee on their way to work," or even 1999's "Don't do any shots after pounding three 40 oz. bottles of Mickey's, and if you do, make sure you have a 'buddy' with you so you don't wake up unable to find your shirt or your shoes in a house at the other end of Oxford from where you live. Jackass."

Regardless, there are three particular resolutions that I did not adhere to last year; I did keep one promise to myself and found myself gainful employment outside of the amusement park industry. Which is good, because that was the big one. The others were, and I list them now as resolutions for the second year running:

1. Quit Smoking Cigarettes, Unless Drinking.

Yeah, it's pretty safe to say that the smoking has gone on for way too long, regardless of cutting down, starting up, quitting, chaining, etc. This has actually been the tenth year that I've been smoking cigarettes on a semi-regular basis, and it's been about the fourth or fifth year that I've admitted to myself that I'm actually addicted to nicotine. I think quitting smoking was more of a difficult issue when I was working a job that regularly made me want to douse myself in gasoline and light myself on fire in protest of the unintentionally idiotic American public and the mostly intentionally ignorant teenage employees I had to deal with on a regular basis. Smoking cigarettes, at that point, was a welcome alternative to the incarceration resulting from beating a minor to death with a mop handle for falling asleep in his car and coming back two hours late from break. And, cigarettes costing what they do these days, I'd probably be better off health-wise rolling up dollar bills and smoking those instead. Actually, that would probably make me way less addicted to nicotine and way more addicted to cocaine resin. 

2. Don't Start Drinking Constantly Because of Resolution #1.

My hilarious lack of self-discipline makes it surprisingly necessary to list this as a follow-up. Found that one out the hard way back in '04.

3. Somehow Miraculously Get Back In Shape While Abiding #1 and #2.

I know I'm a far cry from becoming one of those people that gets to go on television because they have to be forklifted out of their house. But, believe it or not, ten years ago I weighed about thirty pounds less than I do now, and I just lost ten pounds in November. I know that my head weighing 90 pounds is going to offset the scale a bit, but seriously.

And now for the newer resolutions: 

4. Pay More Attention to World News, Even If It Infuriates You. And It Will.

If anybody reading this remembers when our government had enough respect for the American public to at least cover its tracks when it did something drastically unethical, they'll remember it being awesome. And sure, those were also the days when the news wasn't dominated by suicide, matricide, patricide, infanticide, parricide, genocide, and American Idol recaps, but even then, you wouldn't usually catch me paying attention to current events. It's not that I don't think that local news is important; I do. It's just that I find it hard to believe that dressing dogs up in reindeer costumes is more important than the semi-annual church bombings in Kenya because they happen to be in an election year (thanks, NPR). There is a whole world out there and even if the world seems to be on a surprisingly fast track to Ragnarok, I should probably be paying attention, if for no other reason to not look stupid when other people are talking about current events, such as fire and brimstone raining down outside while I'm indoors playing Wii bowling.

5. Try Not to Alienate Your Friends And Loved Ones With Your Multiple Neuroses Arising From Turning Thirty This Year.

Self explanatory.

And, I suppose that's all I'll charge myself with for now. Coming up next year: New Year's Resolutions '09: New Year's Resolutions '07 Part Three: Now It's Payback.

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